As a deep thinker, it takes me time to process and wade through details and emotions surrounding certain occurrences in life; one of those times was the atrocity that took place in Charlottesville, Virginia in August of 2017.
I have spent my life coloring outside of the lines, marching to my own beat, walking against the grain and living unapologetically as myself. I will admit when I am wrong, I will stand up even if I am the only one standing, I live as transparently as possible- because mess is okay, life is messy. I am about to show you my mess- my racist, prejudice mess...
For the first 24 years of my life I lived a very white life, a very privileged life, a very homogeneous life, a very safe life, a very conditioned life, a very ignorant life...and then I fell in love and married an African American man, and.that.all.changed. for FOREVER. I am still white, and still very privileged, but now with privilege comes pain- pain for my husband, my children, pain for the things I cannot change, pain at the thought of all they face and will continue to face....pain because I will never really understand.
As a mother all we want is to love and protect our children, but what happens when you can't? What happens when you are actually a part of the problem? You admit it, so here is my admission:
Open Letter To My Biracial Children
My sweetest angels,
I don’t know where to begin
with all of this, but being honest seems like the best place to start. I am
sorry that I will never understand all that you will face being both African
American and Caucasian. I am sorry that, even though I love daddy and you, with
all my heart, I still have prejudice and stereotypical thoughts from time to
time, about other non-whites. I am sorry that haven’t been more proactive in
raising awareness about conditioned and unconscious racism, I didn’t know I
held these thoughts or beliefs until I was put in a diverse setting, and I
didn’t even realize the destruction my blindness could cause, until I married daddy.
I’m sorry that your other white family members will most likely dismiss your
experiences because they don’t understand, and we tend to not engage in things
that we don’t understand-for fear of appearing ignorant. But babies, I’ll be
the first to admit, I have stayed ignorant for far too long, and now that the
blindfold has been removed, I promise, that as your momma, I will do my best to
educate others of the ways that we have been conditioned to believe certain
things about certain people; and I will be open to hearing the hard things that
might cause me pain-because I love you and I know I can do better.
Momma is so sorry, sorry that I can’t protect
you from this hate filled world; but what I can do, is do my best to raise you
to take responsibility for your thoughts and your actions, even if the
consequences of doing so are negative. I can teach you to stand up for what you
believe in, even if you are the only one standing. I can teach you to do unto
others what you would have them do unto you and to do it first. I can teach you
that you should love others more than you love being right. I can teach you
that is it okay not to always have the answers, but to always keep an open mind
and an open heart.
I grew up in a small, white,
farming community with around 5,000 people back in the 80’s. I had no idea the
ways that this upbringing would impact my psyche, that is until I was no longer
in a homogeneous setting, which wasn’t until college; and if I’m being honest,
it was barely diverse by most standards. It was only by my personal choice, to
expand my horizons and engage in mostly non-white settings and events, that
allowed me to experience life outside of my own whiteness. It would have been
easy for me to migrate toward what I have always known-white. It would have
certainly been more comfortable in many situations to just stay among other
whites, but I knew there was more to learn outside of my comfort zone than
within it.
Being willing to be
vulnerable will most certainly cause pain, but it will also cause growth. This
world is broken and full of sin. You will face things that will cause you to
question who you are, who your real friends are, and who is really on your
side. But I tell you with most assurance, you are a child of the Lord, He is for
you, He is the one friend who will never turn away, who will never let you down
and who will always be there to listen. I am sorry for all the questions I will
not be able to answer, I am sorry for the pain this world will cause you and
especially those whom you love- like me, I’m sorry for the pain I will cause
because I will not always understand what you are experiencing or feeling.
Just know that I love you
with all my heart and I will spend the rest of my life reconditioning my heart
and mind to be more like Christ and less like the world, that I might more
fully love everyone I cross paths with-starting with you guys and your amazing
daddy.
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